Towelettiquette

You only need look around the office to know that the paper towel is a valuable Plankton commodity. Most, if not all, employees have a roll of company supplied paper towel on their desk. Why? Because it’s convenient, absorbent and, most importantly, it’s free.

Some use it to keep their desk clean, some as a way around Plankton’s “we don’t give tissues to the peons” policy, and you’ll notice that the long term employees have drawn faces on their paper towel rolls and call them Wilson.

However, recent health concerns in the workplace have provided another reason to always be near this precious, and now potentially lifesaving, apparatus.

Paper towel, along with a few other readily available office supplies, can be used to create your very own face mask, to help keep diseases at bay. Using only a piece of paper towel, 2 small bulldog clips and a couple of rubber bands, you can protect yourself from at least 84% of airborne germs and 100% of lunchtime companions.

Also, after wearing this makeshift mask, people will know that you take public health seriously, that you have concern for your safety and the safety of your workmates and, most importantly, that they shouldn’t steal your filth-ridden paper towel roll.

A Proved Overtime

Working on a project that requires overtime offers unique evidentiary challenges to us all. Proving that you are at work and not simply at home swanning about in your underwear is a vital office survival skill. It’s not that management don’t trust you, of course - it’s the others they have to worry about.

Way back in the late nineties, proving you were at work was as simple as sending a perfectly innocent late night email to your boss (or even better to all the staff). However, in these days of web-based email and telecommuting this will not prove that you are actually doing anything beyond spending a couple of thousand rupiah at a Balinese internet cafe. More creative measures must be employed.

Web cameras are cheap (and ultimately tax deductible) and can provide video evidence of your presence. Be sure to find a good excuse for filming yourself with a copy of the weekend paper or showing how dark it is outside.

For a more subtle (and perhaps cathartic) approach, ‘accidentally’ damaging work equipment will prove that someone was on the premises, and if you are stupid enough to take the blame no one will doubt you for a second.

If all else fails you can trigger the weekend alarm. This will ensure that not only has someone seen you in the office, they will have also scrutinised your photo ID, witnessed your signature and taken a statement.

Meetingized

Since their invention by Thomas Edison in the late 1920s, meetings have been a vital part of the decision making process. Studies have shown that any idea is almost completely ineffectual until it has been workshopped, reviewed, kicked-around, scrummed or in some other way “meetingized”. (Grammatical pedants may believe that this word should be spelt with an s, but this is an American idea and as such deserves the extra excitement that a z can bring).

It is vitally important that you give every meeting the respect that it requires of you. Remember that you do not choose to attend a meeting, a meeting invites you.

The most effective meetings are those where everyone participates. While your meeting effectiveness will be scored (and yes, it will be scored) on your participation; it is the level, and not the quality, of your input that will be judged. What you say doesn’t matter, as long as you say it loudly and with confidence. You will get extra credit if your point is made over the top of someone else’s (this is called meezumping).

Likewise any props you bring or use will be looked upon favourably. Powerpoint presentations, whiteboards and laser pointers are passé, but can be used in a pinch. Preferable modern meeting tools include disposable cutlery, witch's hats and small breeds of dog.

In no time your calendar will be full of meetings and your productivity and creativity will increase exponentially until you will begin to schedule meetings during lunch time and at 4:45. At this point you will become the meeting master, and all whom you invite will look at you with awe and respect beyond measure.

It is important to note that, when sending emails or writing documents, some audiences only read the subject line or heading, and will not read the actual text. For this reason it is important to put as much useful information in the subject line or heading as possible, to ensure your message is received by as many people as possible.

Holding the Door

Politeness comes in many forms, but one way in which it manifests itself regularly in the workplace is holding the door open for someone. Studies have shown that if we leave it to individuals to open doors for themselves, society will quickly decline into chaos and anarchy. This is why more advanced societies, such as those found in hotel lobbies and Gold Class cinemas, employ people whose sole occupation is to open doors. We should study these societies more, as they will lead us all to enlightenment.

It is important, then, to maintain the delicate balance of our society by ensuring that you open as many doors as are opened for you. This can be easy when there are two doors within quick succession, but otherwise it is highly recommended that you keep score. Keep a note of how many times the door has been opened for you, and how many times you have opened the door for others.

Also keep a note of the people who never seem to hold the door open for anyone. These are the types of people who are likely to use your coffee mug when you are not in the office, or borrow your scissors to cut their nails.

People who big-note themselves by always holding the door open, and who make a point of ensuring that everyone can see they are doing that, should also be noted. These are the types of people who are likely to use your coffee mug when you are in the office, or borrow your office scissors to cut their pets' nails.

Productive Conversation

Conversations are an important part of office life. Not only are they a form of communicating ideas, they foster the social bonds that are necessary to preventing us from killing each other over the last of the pre-packaged sugar portions.

Some people, however, are very busy and feel that they do not have time for the social side of conversation. These people can be seen as aloof and self-important. If you are one of these snobby individuals, do not despair. Help is at hand.

All that most people require from a social conversation is the impression that they are being listened to. If someone is talking at you, nod appreciatively as if you are actually listening. While this is happening you may go through to-do lists in your mind, map a route to the nearest fire exit, or plan your pet's next birthday party.

When you notice a gap in the white noise of the other person's idle chit chat, use this as an opportunity to politely end the conversation or, if you are feeling adventurous ,continue it with a generic encouraging statement. Be careful though. Statements like 'Really?', 'Do go on' or 'That once happened to my uncle' although generic can backfire and show that you haven't been listening:

"I got my paycheck this week..."
"Really?"

"So then the surgeon said that he would have to go in from the other end. I can show you pictures if you like."
"Do go on"

"After my cat's birthday party, she's going to have a hysterectomy"
"That once happened to my uncle"

Driven to Distraction

It's a trait of human nature that people are more likely to concentrate on a distraction than they are at the job at hand. This can be used to good effect in your day to day work at Plankton.

Talk to the people that are in charge of your role (once you have worked out who they are), and say you would like to change what is on your position description. Tell them that, instead of your current duties, you would like to change your job to be "Looking at cool stuff on the internet, talking about last night's TV and getting myself drinks of water".

That way, when you go to, for example, look at cool stuff on the internet you'll immediately get distracted by the piece of code that somehow found its way onto your computer, or that Design Document that you started in your spare time.

Just make sure you quickly get it done before the boss finds out.