Friday, March 18, 2011

Getting There: car

‘Getting There’ is a series of office tips about your commute into (and more importantly away from) the Plankton offices.

Driving to work is incredibly popular and one of the reasons for this is that the driver gets to choose exactly when to leave. In fact everything about the trip has the appearance of being under the driver’s control, which makes it the perfect mode of transport for micromanagers. Traffic not moving fast enough? Change lanes. Running late? Go a bit faster. Too many traffic lights? Go a different way. None of these things will actually make a difference to your trip time, but the true essence of micromanagement is never about getting results, it’s about fiddling with things as much as possible along the way.

Driving to work means drive-thru coffee, but one feature a real café has over a drive-thru is free internet. This is why one entrepreneur has started “Java Plugin”: the world’s first drive-thru internet café. Here you can pay a bill online, logon to check the tweets of the latest celebrity drug addict and also form a raid to defeat Ragnaros the Firelord - all while waiting for your baristech to prepare your double chai soy skinny mocha macchiato with a twist of melon. And you’ll never have to leave the comfort of your carbon-emitting cocoon.

Lastly, driving allows you to treat your car like your own personal performance studio. When in the car you can not only turn the radio up as loud as you want, you can also sing along at full volume. This is why all cars built since the 1960s have been factory fitted with a soundproof shield that surrounds the entire vehicle. The shield allows you to sing along to your favourite tracks, even with the window down, without people in the neighbouring vehicle (or suburb) ever discovering that what you want, what you really really want, is to zigga zig ahhh.