Saturday, December 8, 2012

Kraken Out

The Plankton board would like to follow up on the announcement made here about a potential takeover by the multinational Kraken Group.

The Kraken executive team released a statement soon after their visit to our offices that they are no longer interested in purchasing Plankton Software Systems. They did not say why, but Plankton management would like to assure everyone that the decision had nothing to do with the fact that their visit coincided with Plankton’s fundraiser month Unprofessionalcember and want everyone to continue with their charitable swearing, scruffy dressing and unhygienic attitude towards dirty dishes.

Many have asked “where to for Plankton now?” This is a great question, and it seems clear that we as a company must take this opportunity to take a look at our operations and ensure that future takeover bids do not occur. In particular we need to review our standards related to customer service and product quality. These standards must be lowered immediately to ensure Plankton is no longer an attractive company to buy. Our success up to this point is what caught Kraken’s eye, and this success must be stopped. As such, the board would like to announce a new company-wide performance benchmark: if Plankton posts a loss of 1 million dollars by first quarter next year, everyone will receive a 5% bonus. This bonus will be increased by 1% for every customer we lose in that same time.

And you can help bring those profits down. If you have a deadline, ignore it. Encourage more managers to take an interest in your project. And most importantly, book more meetings. We need to be as unproductive as possible. With your help, we are sure that Plankton can become the best software company that money wouldn’t want to buy.

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