Something Wiki This Way Comes

Welcome to the Plankton wiki. Here you will find all manner of useful and organically growing information which will help you, the average Plankton employee, in your constant uphill struggle against ignorance.

A common misconception people have is that all wikis are like that most famous of wikis: wikipedia. This is not necessarily the case as every wiki is entirely configurable by the company that runs it, and will evolve depending on how it’s used [citation needed].

What makes a wiki different from any other centralised source of knowledge is constant contributions by individuals - by you. It helps to think of a wiki as a kind of chain, with each staff member providing a metal link of information, and each link forming together to create an informational whole of unimaginable strength. It’s a useful analogy and I’m almost positive that thing they say about chain strength and weakest links doesn’t apply.

Many people are concerned that if too many people work on the same page its original intent, or even its grammatical correctness, can be lost. However, recent studies have shown that even though a single sentence of a wiki page may be collaborated on by a large number of people, there is never a problem with the tense or structure, even though a single sentence of a wiki page may be collaborated on by a large number of people, according to recent studies.

Collaboration is one of Plankton's keywords, and wikis are the epitome of collaboration. Like bees and the Borg, wikis are the product of a hive mind. The sooner you assimilate Plankton’s wiki into your everyday life the sooner you will realise: we are Plankton: resistance is futile.

Wiki last updated: April 31, 1947 by Anonymous User

Grievances

I have said this before but it’s important for the people that employ me to understand: Plankton is a great place to work. Having said that, there are elements of the Plankton office, as with any office (or indeed any other environment where people who would otherwise hate each other are artificially thrown together), that can cause problems. When one staff member has an issue with the behaviour of another, for example, tensions can rise. There are however a number of ways to approach the problem before more official channels can be pursued.

Firstly it is important to know that under no circumstances should you approach the person who is at issue. This kind of direct communication is foreign to most modern offices, and will only cause more tension and potential bodily harm.

By far the most effective and often the most favoured method of conflict resolution is the anonymous note. Whether left on a whiteboard in the hallway or on the remaining chunk of extra vintage tasty in the staff fridge, the anonymous note sends a message not only to the person in question, but to any other passer-by (depending on the size of the note). This has the effect of spreading guilt evenly over the whole company, so that even the most honest person would never again consider nabbing your mouldy work cheese.

However if all else fails, most staff at Plankton know that they can always approach the one person in the company who will listen and do something constructive towards solving any problem they may have. All they need to say is “I’ve got an idea for one of your Office Tips”.

Chillax

Plankton is going through a very busy time, and everyone is currently working very hard. However it is vital that we learn to relax to ensure we maintain the work/life/sitting-around-doing-nothing balance that society tells us is so important.

Unfortunately, people feel that they shouldn’t be seen to be relaxing at work. We are all employed to work a certain number of hours a week and even though we may meet that weekly requirement it can make us feel a little bit naughty if we are caught napping on the couches or Googling ourselves .

Rest assured, though. Plankton understands that to get the best out of its employees, we all need the opportunity to work, rest and play. (Note that the dollarshop sells Mars bars for this very purpose.)

So as employees we need to not only relax, but to revel in our relaxation. It is rare that during a lunch break we see someone reading a book, playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: Norlane’, or practising the sousaphone, but these are exactly the kinds of activities that will revive your body and sharpen your mind, and therefore make you a more productive drone.

If your work commitments truly do make this kind of overt relaxation impossible, then you can relax by making a game out of your work. If you’re writing a requirements or design document, set yourself a fun challenging phrase to try to insert into the document (e.g. “this software will contain no bugs or design flaws”). If you are writing code, try avoiding any keywords that contain the letter ‘e’ and see if it compiles. If you talk to people on the phone, pretend to be different people by using exotic accents.

In short find something to do that will help you relax. Dying of stress will not help Plankton meet its deadlines, and so will not look good on your next performance review.

Side-skilling

It is the nature of all businesses that there will at some stage be a skills shortage. This could mean that you will be called upon to perform tasks that aren’t normally part of your general duties. You will be tempted to use this as an opportunity to show off. Don’t. If you excel in this extra task, or even if you perform it remotely adequately, it will be added to your general duties, and you will remain doing it long after the skills shortage lengthens.

For this reason it is important to make the job seem harder than it really is, and make sure you let everyone know how difficult it is. This way, regardless of whether you succeed or fail, people will not only be impressed that you even undertook the task, but will also know not to ask the whiny guy to do it again.

When executing the task try to keep your name off any documentation that may arise. If any evidence exists that you have performed the task once you will always be referred to as an expert in that field. It is an extreme, but in some cases acceptable, measure to chase down anyone that can provide anecdotal corroboration to your involvement and cajole or even threaten them accordingly. Bribery is expensive but can be used as a last resort.

In all cases the best option is to avoid the task altogether. This can best be achieved by acting so busy on your current tasks that even the act of approaching your desk seems such an imposition on your time that it is not worth the hassle. Under the current climate this should not pose a problem.

So you are new to Plankton

For a start let me be the first, and possibly the only, person to welcome you to this wonderful company.

In your first few weeks here you will learn a great deal about Plankton's products, business model and its future direction. Plankton believes an informed staff is a happy one, and it relies on the standard corporate communication methods of hearsay, rumour and assumption. As part of your induction training you will be shown an Organisation Chart detailing the various Managers, General Managers and Senior staff that you will report to. Note that this chart is drawn in pencil. Do not commit it to memory, as it is likely to change soon.

Regardless of your role, there are certain responsibilities that will be expected of you as a Plankton employee. These include, but are not limited to, accidentally using the “Reply to All” button on a company wide email, deleting entire tables from our development database and complaining to the DollarShop that we have run out of coke.

Do not be afraid to speak up in meetings. Every idea has value, and your co-workers will not ridicule you for your opinions as they will be too busy offering their own to listen to yours.

One word of warning, though. Many people have been at Plankton so long that they have forgotten what the real world is like. When speaking to someone who has worked here for 10 years or more, try not to mention other companies, or technology that is newer than 8 years old. This can excite and disorient some of the older employees to the point where they need to sit in a room with a dial phone and an abacus until they calm down.

So again let me say welcome to Plankton. We like to think we are one big family. We never clean our rooms, we spend too long in the bathrooms in the morning, and we argue over which TV show we want to watch. No one has got to the point of stealing someone’s boyfriend, but it won’t be long.

So you are leaving Plankton

It’s a sad day. Presumably. For someone. It’s your last day.

You may be given the opportunity to give a goodbye speech to the staff. Many see this as an opportunity to get things off one’s chest. If you feel you must do this, avoid blanket negative statements about the entire company. Remember some of us still have to work here. Instead, address individuals and provide positive feedback specifically for them such as:

• Terry. I don’t care what Ryan says, I think your anecdotes aren’t at all tedious, and your personal hygiene is at least bearable.
• Amanda. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.
• Ryan, I agree with you about Terry. If you want to get away from “Boring-Story-Stinky-Pants”, there may be a position open at my new company. I’ll send you an email when the dust settles.
• Hannah. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.

Don’t forget to mention at least two of the following:

• This is easily the best place I have ever worked, and I’m not just saying that.
• It’s the people that make this company special, and I’m not just saying that.
• I think we have one of strongest products on the market, and I’m not just saying that.

Instead of a speech, you may send an email. If you do, be aware that most people who receive such an email simply use a word search to see if they are mentioned, and then delete the email if they are not. To make sure people actually read your email, copy they entire staff contact list in to the bottom of it.

When you leave you may be given a gift. Accept it with all due grace however remember that 78% of Plankton employees come back within 3 years, and you will be asked to return that gift “as new” if you do.

We will miss you. Until you come back.

Make a clean break.

They say that a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind. However, they also say that an empty desk is an indication of an empty mind. All we can really take from this is that “they” clearly cannot be trusted.

While you might expect that desk cleanliness is a matter of personal comfort and each employee should work in the conditions they prefer, studies have actually found that the messier someone’s desk is, the more efficient their work.

The fastest way to strip a document of all relevance, accessibility and usefulness is to file it. Documents put into a filing cabinet or neatly archived in folders will never be seen again. While this is fantastic for process and methodology documents, for documents that are actually needed it can be a curse.

In contrast, files simply left on a desk will follow the laws of Darwinian theory and survive or not depending on their importance. Oft-used files will gravitate towards the top of volcano-like piles, while less useful ones will drift to the bottom, eventually to be stuck to the desk with a combination of spilt coffee and smears of blu-tac.

There are times when Plankton is visited by important members of society: clients, film crews and Nigerian royalty who are down on their luck. At these times management will ask us to ensure that our desks do not reflect poorly on Plankton's image. Many take this as a request to clean up their desks, but it is in fact a request to make sure your desk is as messy as possible. After all, by proudly displaying the mess you are demonstrating the productivity that helps Plankton thrive.