Rob's Office Tips

Getting There: Walking

2011-05-11T13:03:00.002+10:00

‘Getting There’ is a series of office tips about your commute into (and more importantly away from) the Plankton offices.

Walking to work is the slowest of all modes of travel and those who do it are well aware of this. Walking is for people who value the journey, not the destination. The walker has time to relax, reflect and evaluate their life goals. For this reason companies often provide free car parking, subsidised train tickets and onsite bicycle maintenance. Anything to discourage walking and ensure that people actually turn up, instead of wandering to the park to chill out, watch the ducks and wonder if there is more to life than this 8-5 desk job.

Given they are under such pressure to drive, walkers are considered to be quiet rebels who follow their own rules. Pedestrian crossings, for example, are shunned. When they must be used, all signals are ignored. One thing that unites all walkers is a belief in sticking it to the man (particularly the red flashing man).

People often say they live too far from work to walk but actually, this is impossible. After all, anywhere is within walking distance if you have the time and the right shoes. That extra time can be used to listen to long those long mellow tracks by bands like Pink Floyd or Sigur Ros; the kind of track which goes for half an hour before the song really starts. In fact anything shorter than ten minutes is just pop-rubbish for kids with no attention span.

Which brings us to the conclusion that people who walk to work are actually the most well adjusted individuals on the planet. If you ask someone "Why do you like to walk to work? " they will simply answer "Because I do, man ." This seemingly useless response actually says more about the walker than any Myers-Briggs self evaluation ever could. Walking is a not just a way of Getting There - it is, in fact, a way of life.

Getting There: car

2011-03-18T17:35:00.001+11:00

‘Getting There’ is a series of office tips about your commute into (and more importantly away from) the Plankton offices.

Driving to work is incredibly popular and one of the reasons for this is that the driver gets to choose exactly when to leave. In fact everything about the trip has the appearance of being under the driver’s control, which makes it the perfect mode of transport for micromanagers. Traffic not moving fast enough? Change lanes. Running late? Go a bit faster. Too many traffic lights? Go a different way. None of these things will actually make a difference to your trip time, but the true essence of micromanagement is never about getting results, it’s about fiddling with things as much as possible along the way.

Driving to work means drive-thru coffee, but one feature a real café has over a drive-thru is free internet. This is why one entrepreneur has started “Java Plugin”: the world’s first drive-thru internet café. Here you can pay a bill online, logon to check the tweets of the latest celebrity drug addict and also form a raid to defeat Ragnaros the Firelord - all while waiting for your baristech to prepare your double chai soy skinny mocha macchiato with a twist of melon. And you’ll never have to leave the comfort of your carbon-emitting cocoon.

Lastly, driving allows you to treat your car like your own personal performance studio. When in the car you can not only turn the radio up as loud as you want, you can also sing along at full volume. This is why all cars built since the 1960s have been factory fitted with a soundproof shield that surrounds the entire vehicle. The shield allows you to sing along to your favourite tracks, even with the window down, without people in the neighbouring vehicle (or suburb) ever discovering that what you want, what you really really want, is to zigga zig ahhh.

Getting There: Train

2011-02-22T23:13:00.001+11:00

‘Getting There’ is a series of office tips about your commute into (and more importantly away from) the Plankton offices.

Train travel gives commuters the opportunity to relax. While on the train you can listen to music, read a book or play video games. Of course, many people do all these things while driving, but that takes a special skill. To properly “relax on the tracks” you will need to know how to ignore any workmates who might also catch the same train and who invariably want to talk about work. Simply holding up a sign saying “I get paid to talk to you, and I am not getting paid now” is effective but rude. Instead, from the moment you leave the office look directly down and never ever make eye contact with anyone until you get home.

The downside to catching the train is that you are completely at the whim of the megalomaniacal public transport companies who proudly announce that 84% of their services ran in the last month rather than sheepishly apologise that 16% didn’t due to slightly inclement weather. Trains will also stop for no apparent reason just outside the station and stationmasters will alter the timetable at the last minute just to watch the fat people run to the other platform.

The advantage of the timetable, however, is that it’s something that all company drones seem to understand. If you say to a colleague “I’m sorry I have to go or I’ll miss my train” they will say “OK, you better run”. However if you say “No, I don’t have time to look at the major problem that you could have shown me at any time, but have only just decided to show me at 4:58pm, because I have to drive home to a family that is expecting me” you will get the reply “You’re driving? You can hang around for five minutes.”

And it is never five minutes.

“Working” from home

2011-02-15T17:39:00.001+11:00

Many people think that working from home doesn’t really involve work at all. With no bosses around, and with a wide selection of daytime TV, you are free to do anything and no one but the Danoz Direct call centre will be any the wiser. The reality, though, is almost exactly the opposite.

When in the office, most workers will try their hardest to do as little work as possible. Everyone can press “alt-tab” with the agility of a ninja and internet logs can be hacked so that no one knows you visit Lady Gaga’s website. Games are installed with “boss” keys, which show something work related when someone is near. (Unfortunately, “work related” is only a spotty game developer’s guess at what real work looks like, which is invariably an out of date spreadsheet of completely irrelevant data. This will only cause your boss to grumpily ask “Why are you spending your time looking at an out of date spreadsheet of completely irrelevant data?”)

However when working from home people are acutely aware that no one is looking over their shoulder and that when they next turn up to work their output will be scrutinised. This knowledge sends most people into a guilty frenzy which means they produce more in four hours at home than they would in two weeks at the office.

Management conferences have whole seminar streams based on this concept of “Productivity Through Guilt” or PTG. This is why, despite the obvious productivity gains, managers must seem reluctant to allow people to work from home. PTG is only effective when sitting on your back verandah with a glass of wine, a laptop and no pants is seen as a privilege that you don’t deserve and that might be snatched away at any time, rather than a right.

Pain in the art

2011-01-31T19:52:00.002+11:00

In a response to a recent fashion audit, the Plankton offices will be undergoing a redesign. According to the auditors, the sixteen greys used in the current “Rising Storm” colour palette were too distracting. It will be replaced with “Drabbé”, a two tone palette consisting of “grey” and “gray”.

Management fought against using two tones, fearing that this was still too much stimulation, but Conrad, the company stylist, made an impassioned plea to the Plankton board. ‘She is all about, how you say, comparison, no?’ he said in an accent that he hoped the board would find continental and exotic, but ended up sounding fake and just a little racist. ‘Ow can you make ze claim that something is truly grey, unless you compare it to something slightly less grey, no?’

So, with such flawlessly fashionable logic behind the design, the refurbishment is in full swing, and with it you can expect some aesthetic changes:

The bright green exit signs and garish red fire extinguishers have been removed and replaced with bas reliefs depicting significant events in Plankton’s history.
The first aid kit and defibrillator shall remain (as symbolic reminders of the pain and suffering we should all endure) but will be glued shut to the wall to ensure people don’t clutter the office with nasty bandaids or shout “CLEAR!” at artistically inappropriate times.
Windows will be replaced with a photorealistic mural of the outside view and air conditioning ducts will be sealed over. This will ensure that employees are guaranteed a stable and safe work environment, regardless of what is happening in the real world.

Also, where possible, staff will be asked to work from home. This is to ensure that the office is kept clean of food scraps, office waste, piles of documents, computers or people.

Don’t show your booty

2011-01-26T19:21:00.002+11:00

Information is like gold and must be hoarded to ensure its scarcity and value. Within a company, the guardians of information are like dragons who have been laying on beds of knowledge for so long that various bits of data have been encrusted onto their underbellies. Those who seek this information must, like adventurers of old, use any number of tricksy tactics to relieve the hoarders from their infobooty.

Since the publication of an Office Tip last year which advised on how to interrupt people, office productivity has plummeted. While the “adventurers” have been able to obtain the information they seek, the “dragons” have been forced not only to part with it, but also to interact with co-workers.

If you are a data dragon, avoid interruptions by making it hard for people to find you. You can achieve this just by sitting at someone else’s desk, however there are alternatives:

Book a meeting room. Be warned, though: any person sitting alone in a meeting room will attract the kinds of people who will have to ask: “with all your friends, are ya?” (Note that when in school, these were also the people who “made you look”.)
Wear a disguise. No-one ever asks the new guy for information. Also, no-one wants to speak to the weirdo with an obviously fake nose.
Call in sick. Sure you will be using your sick leave to do work, but the fact that you are willing to do that is in itself a symptom of a deep illness, and any doctor would be willing to sign a note saying so.

The definitive way to avoid interruptions is to go to work for a different company. You must be aware, though, that when you change companies you will no longer be a dragon but merely another hairy-footed data thief on a quest for truth.

Getting your feet under the desk

2011-01-14T17:46:00.002+11:00

Thanks to an Employment Act loophole found many years ago by Plankton’s highly paid legal team, Plankton staff are only allowed 2.5 days of annual leave a year. Most staff store this leave up so that every 4 years they can take 2 whole weeks off - and relatives of Plankton employees have learned to plan important events like weddings, births and funerals around this schedule.

When going on recreation leave, some people like to do absolutely nothing. Other people think “I do that every day at work!” and so try to cram as many active pastimes into their break as possible: waterskiing, snowboarding, waterboarding etc. Either way, returning to work after a long break can take some adjustment, but a little preparation can make the transition easier.

Before going on leave, finish (or destroy all evidence of) any outstanding tasks. If, on your return, you pick up something you were working on before your break it will immediately set your mind back to that time and it will be as if your two weeks on the foreshore of the Bendigo creek never happened.

Upon your return, set aside a whole day just to read emails. Leaving your work computer for two weeks will cause a large backlog of emails which you will be tempted to quickly skim and delete. But just because you have been away does not make an email less important. Therefore each offer for cheap watches or personal enhancement medications should be read carefully and treated on its own merits.

Most importantly, do not start your new work semester with any adages. Statements that begin with words like “This year I promise I will” seem like a great way to start fresh. However it will only make your inevitable fall into the same old rut all the more painful. Remember: zero expectations equals zero disappointment.

It’s not the size that counts…

2010-08-22T15:47:00.002+10:00

Any company that produces something will be faced with the task of estimating effort. (A company that produces nothing only has to estimate how long they think they can keep afloat.) Whether you build hovercrafts or databases, someone is going to want to know how long you think it will take, so that they can then ask “can you do it in half that?”

Estimates are used by different people in different ways. Marketing use estimates to determine the maximum amount they can get away with charging for a product. Clients use estimates to work out the smallest amount they can get away with paying for a product. And the estimators themselves use the estimates to indicate their willingness to create the product in question - the higher the estimate, the more reluctant they are.

Estimates are usually based on some form of written requirement from the client. To get an idea of the size of the project, reformat this document using a standard font size, line spacing and margin settings. Then print it on 80GSM paper, and bind with a single 26/6 staple. Weigh this document, in grams (accurate to the 3^rd decimal place) take away 6.738 and then multiply this number by 11.375. The resulting number is your estimate by weight, known as a heftimate. (Note that more important projects, such as tenders, may be printed on a better class of thicker paper, bound in folders with metal rings. These heavier documents will provide larger heftimates which in turn reflects the gravitas of the project.)

Heftimation in incredibly accurate, and takes the guesswork out of sizing a project. This means that projects are more likely to come in on budget, clients will be happier, and most importantly it means that no one will ever need to use the word “guesstimate” ever again.

A weighty problem

2010-08-03T16:58:00.001+10:00

It may come as a surprise to some that the sedentary nature of working in the software industry can significantly increase your weight. Plankton has found that the cumulative waistline of all staff has risen from a modest 1,594cm to 7,438cm in the last three weeks alone. For a company that only employs 37 people, this is quite a concern. While Plankton does what it can to prevent employee weight gain (including providing caffeinated drinks to increase metabolism and hi-carb foods to maintain elevated energy levels) there are measures that each individual staff member can also undertake to help take the stress off the company floorboards.

The quickest way to lose weight in the office is to desimplify your communications. When typing a document, approximately 7.8 kilojoules are burnt with every keystroke. Therefore the more words you use, and the longer each word is, the better your document will be for you.

But the health benefits of a larger document do not stop there. When printed, this mega-document will cause the printer to run for longer and hotter, thus increasing the already sauna-like conditions in the office. The larger printed document will, obviously, be heavier, especially if the company-recommended “weight loss printer settings” (font size 36, triple spacing and single side) are used. This will make lifting the document an exercise regime all in itself.

This larger document will also require more reviewing. Larger review teams, having more meetings, means that more people will move from their desks to meeting rooms and back, all while carrying this impressive dumbell-esque tome. Consequently, the more words a document has, the more changes are likely to be required, which means more reprinting, more reviewing and more meetings.

This cycle will hopefully continue until the documents people create are bigger and heavier than the people that created them.

Busyus Interruptus

2010-07-09T09:50:00.001+10:00

For the last 28 years the Grindstone Institute has been performing studies on office busyness, and have today released their findings. The paper, which most people will themselves be too busy to read, reveals that finding out if someone is too busy to be interrupted is the leading cause of workplace interruptions.

‘It’s all very quantum’ said Dr. Charles Higgs-Boson, Lead Boffin on the project. ‘Basically, it’s impossible to observe the state of someone’s busyness without disturbing that busyness. Interrupting someone with the question “Can I interrupt?” will at best result in a withering response of “Apparently” and at worst lead to filling in a workplace incident form.’

If you must speak with someone but suspect they might be too busy, try sending an email. Emails are the most unobtrusive form of office communication. Email servers can be slightly unreliable though, so after sending it also go up to the person, let them know you sent them an email, and give them a quick rundown of the content.

If you prefer, call the person, let the phone ring once and then hang up. If they are busy they can choose to ignore it, and if they are not they can use the caller ID feature to ring you back. Do this every five minutes until you hear from them.

Sometimes you need to actually speak to someone face to face. Rather than talking to the person in question, however, approach their neighbour. Ask your questions clearly and loudly. If you can use words that sound remarkably like the name of the potentially busy person then all the better.

‘But be careful of the Busyness Feedback Loop®,’ warns Dr. Higgs-Boson. ‘Too often we see people spending so much time determining the best ways to interrupt others that they themselves become so busy they can no longer be approached.’

Presentation Palpitations

2010-06-22T19:21:00.001+10:00

As part of your role you may be required to give a presentation to clients. This can cause a lot of stress. When you speak to clients you are not just representing Plankton: for that moment in time you are Plankton. Everything you say is a reflection on the company, and it is likely that each client’s opinion of Plankton will be altered by what you have to say. So as long as you perform perfectly, there shouldn’t be anything to stress about.

If you look for help outside Rob’s Office Tips (fine, whatever, as if I care) you will be told that you should know your material. This is great if you are trying to mould impressionable minds - like a “groovy” university lecturer or a cult leader - but a presentation to clients is different. Clients desperately need to know they are the smartest person in the room. So if acting stupidly doesn’t come naturally then make sure you know nothing about your topic and provide clients ample opportunities to correct you.

One common technique to overcome fear of public speaking is to picture the audience naked. However this can be quite taxing on the imagination. Spending all your time wondering what is under Frieda’s cardigan will certainly divert you from stress, but the extra mental effort may also distract you from your actual presentation. The company database contains pictures of many of our clients and by using photo editing software to combine these photos with pictures downloaded from select internet sites, you won’t have to imagine what these people look like naked, you will be able to see it for yourself. To ensure full disclosure, include the pictures in your presentation. This also works as an icebreaker.

If all goes well your clients will walk away feeling smarter and sexier than they will ever be in real life.

Rumour Millers

2010-06-10T10:37:00.002+10:00

People love a good rumour. But as with the insane ramblings of Nostradamus, the truthfulness of any office rumour can only be determined after the events in question have taken place. However, certain types of people share certain types of information, and you can soon learn to recognise patterns of rumours based on their source.

Cynifacts – These people will spread rumours that do contain an element of truth, but getting to it means cutting through Eeyore-esque levels of pessimism and cynicism. Even rumours of positive events - such as a company party - are presented negatively: “I heard they’re not inviting that guy who was sacked four years ago after he set fire to Roger’s fish tank. They’re so cheap.”
Enigma Machines – These people generally know something but have been sworn to secrecy and so will often speak in code. They wiggle eyebrows, tap noses, and say things like “well I’d like to tell you but…” This means they are more interested in telling you that they know something, rather than telling you what it is. Usually any information these people hold is so trivial that most people either already know or just don’t care.
Misinformants - These people usually start their sentences with “I shouldn’t be telling you this…” and the reason they shouldn’t be telling you is that they know that they just made it up.
Management – These people know lots of secrets. In many ways it is a manager’s job to keep secrets so that the rest of the company can get on with their actual work without the burden of knowledge. Managers will not share a secret with anyone until they no longer wish it to be a secret, at which point they will let the Enigma Machines, the Cynifacts and even the Misinformants spread the word in their own special ways.

Social Animals

2010-05-16T10:06:00.002+10:00

You will spend over two thirds of your waking life at or on your way to work (assuming you work a 40 hour week, commute from New Zealand every day, and sleep approximately 14 hours a night). It is therefore vital that any socialising at work is done with people you don’t hate.

The Plankton social scene shares a number of similarities to that of any high school. There are the cool kids, the nerds, the jocks and that one kid who smells like wee. Finding someone to have a coffee with is simply a matter of determining into which group you fit. This is easy if you have a realistic idea of your personality but difficult if, like most people, you hold the delusion that you cannot be pigeon-holed but are in fact an individual who is easy going enough to fit into any group.

In the break room there is a chart showing the hierarchy and current membership of each social clique. There are two basic approaches to finding your place. You may choose to start at the top of this chart and work your way down. This can be discouraging because, as you try to fit in to each group, you will be met with a number of rejections. However, this will be offset by a warm feeling of acceptance once you have sunk to the right level.

Alternatively you may start at the bottom and work your way up. Your confidence will soar as you sweep up the hierarchy, leaving the socially inept in your wake, until you finally encounter a group that are, frankly, too good for you. You can then saunter back into the previous group with the confidence that you have found your true home.

If you can’t get any group to accept you it would be advisable to get your bladder checked.

Junket Junkies

2010-04-16T08:51:00.002+10:00

We are all important. Staff who work in support, development, administration or yes, even management, all contribute to Plankton’s success. However, there are obviously a few of us who are slightly more important than the others. Those few are the ones chosen to go on company outings, or junkets.

Put simply, a junket is any trip that takes you away from the Plankton offices and provides some kind of free stuff. Not all junkets are the same, though, and learning to recognise the different types can save you some embarrassment when bragging to your colleagues.

Working junket: Sure, you get to stay in a hotel. You get free meals. You might even get a free pen. But they actually expect you to work. And not just namby pamby “give a presentation” kind of work, but the kind of work where if you didn’t look up and see a slightly different shade of grey carpet on the cubicle wall you might think you were still at your own desk.

Junket du jour, or junkette. This is any trip, for example training or a seminar, that lasts for a day or less. You don’t get an overnight stay, but you do get free stuff. An un-catered meeting at a client site does not count as a junkette. If you get a donut then it’s an incredibly pathetic junkette, but a junkette nevertheless.

Maxi Junket: This is the real deal. You get an overnight stay, you get free meals and free merchandise (preferably electronic in nature). You may even fly to get there. And hopefully all you need to do is wear a name tag for three days while industry hawkers try to convince you of the quality of their product in the hope that you are more important than you look.

Communication Breakdown

2010-04-02T20:09:00.003+11:00

As the human species evolves, so does its methods of communication. When life began in the primordial soup, we were solitary and silent. As marine life we used colours to indicate location. Once we became simplistic land animals we used smells as a form of marking territory and as we developed physically we began to use facial expressions and crude drawings. Basic grunting soon followed until we eventually developed spoken language.

After that came the written word, and then Gutenberg’s famous invention: the printing press. (Note that although he had great success with his first printing press, each one after that deteriorated in quality until Printing Press 7: Mission To Moscow, which Gutenberg wasn’t even involved with.) Technology had changed forever how we communicate and would so again with the typewriter and finally the internet.

And it is no surprise that each stage of this particular evolutionary journey is represented in the modern office.

Some people drift alone from meeting to meeting never aware of those around them. Cyclists in the office use their revealing and brightly coloured bodysuits to let us know “I AM GOING FOR A RIDE NOW!” and they, along with all other exercising employees use a form of smell to let us know when they have returned.

The facial expressions of certain developers when you ask “why can’t we stick this widget on this doovie here” instantly conveys precisely where they would like to stick your widget, and one visit to the toilets will let you know that many people here are quite adept at basic grunting and crude drawings.

Finally, spoken and written words have developed with the technology on which we use them, with new words being coined daily. In fact, due to time management directives, all Plankton staff have now been instructed to invent new words rather than waste time referentialising existing ones.

Location Location Location

2010-03-21T08:30:00.004+11:00

If you have worked at Plankton for longer than three months, chances are you will have moved desks at least twice. Management take great care to ensure that people who are working on similar projects, as well as people with complimentary skill sets, are seated together. However, sometimes they just like to mess with our heads.

Look around the office and you will see that there are exactly three people who have never moved desks. Look deeper, however, and you will soon find that neither those people, nor the desks at which they sit, actually exist. Like a desert oasis or a short efficient meeting, they are a utopian illusion created by our subconscious in hope of what might one day exist. Collectively we think “I wish I could be like Lee. (At least, I think that’s his – or her - name. Short-ish tall person - got a sort of light coloured black hair.) Lee has never had to move, so maybe one day, neither will I.”

With everyone constantly on the move, it can be difficult to find a particular person when you need to. Each desk is assigned a Cartesian co-ordinate, however these are only to be used when playing office games (“QA at F9 takes manager’s pawn at C4 - You sunk my project team!”). Older staff will remember the complex network of mirrors that were installed in the ceiling, which made finding someone as easy as looking up. However, for privacy reasons these have been replaced with a new system. Look on your arm, or perhaps on some other part of your body, and you will notice a small scar. While you were sleeping Plankton operatives installed a tracking chip in you, and the wiki page showing the exact location of each staff member is now online.

Email is not a dirty word

2010-03-12T19:58:00.002+11:00

Email is an essential tool in the modern office. Sending an email can save time, save paper and most importantly save you from any physical interaction with your colleagues. Also, by allowing you time to review and edit your message, emails ensure that clear and concise communication is achieved, and any misunderstandings are avoided (although this has never been proven in practice).

The wonderful thing about email is that whether you are organising a meeting or forwarding a funny joke about cats, it always looks like work. One fictional study has shown that 87% of an office worker’s time is taken up by sending and receiving emails, and 94% of those emails are not work related (the other 6% are from managers asking you to do something you were already doing).

One email pitfall, however, is the Reply-To-All button. Most sensible companies have this button disabled but here at Plankton we relish the moments where someone accidentally tells everyone what their special dietary requirements are, what they really think of their Line Manager or which co-worker they’ve been discreetly seeing after work.

If you find the temptation too strong, there is a plugin that can be installed on the Reply-To-All button which will, every time you press it, ask you a series of mathematical, logical, grammatical, emotional and moral questions. After you submit this short survey, the system will determine if you are intelligent and responsible enough to be allowed to send your message.

Regardless of how you send your email please be aware that every single email is printed on ePaper. To help preserve the eTrees and prevent eClimate-Change consider whether you really need to send that next email, or whether it would perhaps be better to print your message (with a cover and footer sheet) and slip it into the coal-powered vacuum tube system we have installed in the wall cavities.

Food for thought

2010-02-25T10:14:00.001+11:00

If you work somewhere for long enough you will learn to interpret the little signs that the environment is giving you. A streaky line on a printout means the toner needs replacing. If the coffee machine is beeping and its lights are flashing, then someone has got a full house and won the jackpot. And if the air conditioning is working it means that we have moved offices.

One sign that we all should learn to recognise is the presence of a large group of clients. When clients are in the office, staff are expected to dress neatly and behave with more courtesy than is usual (i.e. some). More importantly though, there is a strong chance that there is a catered meeting, and that means free leftovers.

Leftovers from a catered meeting often come out just after most people return from their lunch break, however it is common knowledge that the stomachus dessertus we develop as a child (the extra gastric organ which allows children to be full of broccoli and meatloaf but still have room for ice-cream) matures at adulthood into stomachus leftoverus. This makes it possible for someone to be brimming from a recently consumed lunch and still find room for free chicken sticks and deep fried cheese balls.

If you are privileged enough to actually attend a catered meeting, keep in mind your co-workers who are not. You may be tempted to employ all available stomachs, and eat as much as you possibly can, ensuring the freeloaders get nothing. But remember that you were once like them, eagerly flocking with the other seagulls outside the meeting-room door. You should make sure that something is left behind for them, even if it is just those cucumber and celery sticks wrapped in rice paper that nobody else wants.

The Eternal Struggle

2010-02-18T22:25:00.002+11:00

Some people crave exposure to nature and the outdoors and will endeavour to brighten their world with sunshine whenever possible. Let’s call these people hippies. Others avoid the sun at all costs, shying away from its ultraviolet glare and seeking out darkness in every corner that it lurks. Let’s call these people vampires.

Those who are untrained in the delicate balance of the office ecosystem would assume that the best place for hippies is in the sunlight of a window seat, and the best place for vampires is in the darkness towards the centre of the building. This is certainly what each group would prefer, however if this arrangement were to occur the vampires would just sleep all day hanging upside-down in the exposed network cables running through the ceiling ducts, and the hippies would continually sing folk songs and stick flowers in their USB ports. Very little software development would happen.

Not surprisingly the opposite arrangement, with hippies in the darkness and vampires in the light, is equally disastrous. Without their friend the sun to guide them through the day, the hippies would wander blindly and disturb the mushroom plantations growing in the empty computer boxes. And of course, with regular exposure to sunlight the vampires would simply combust.

So management, in its increasingly evident wisdom, has decided to mingle these groups. Some vampires are forced to sit near the window, and are locked in constant conflict with the nature loving hippies over the state of the blinds. Some hippies, on the other hand, are forced to inhabit the gloom, providing the resident vampires with a free, if somewhat frightened and bewildered, snack.

Thus the ecosystem is maintained and productivity is at its peak. And as long as people are willing to clean up the small piles of ash and the shreds of bloodied tie-dyed clothing that inevitably appear, there will always be spare desks and room for new employees.

Conversational Escape Hatch

2010-02-10T16:59:00.002+11:00

Conversations are a necessary part of office life, but be careful when entering a conversation that you don’t bite off more than you can chew. A simple greeting such as “how are you” can be a catalyst for a five minute monologue on the intricate details of the health of someone’s sinuses. A passing remark on the universal loveliness of the party pie may begin a vegan diatribe on the obvious similarities between meat and murder. Even making a humorous but accurate criticism of one of your superiors while they are standing right behind you may start a regrettable, albeit one-sided, exchange.

Once you find yourself in troubled conversational waters you need a cunning strategy for escape. The first temptation is to pretend to be busy, but your co-workers may see through this. Remember, the only reason many people are still employed here is that they know how to pretend to be busy.

Acting crazy, on the other hand, is perfect. No-one wants to be caught talking to the insane person (after all that is exactly what you are trying to avoid). Look suddenly into a space just above and to the left of the speaker’s face and say “Did you feel that? As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.” Then vaguely wander off, as if looking for the source of the disturbance.

A final tip: under no circumstance should you say “this is fascinating, but I really need to go to the toilet”. Firstly, it will it give the speaker inspiration for a whole new thread of uncomfortable conversation topics that will haunt you until your dying day. But more horrifically, it will allow them to follow you into the facilities to complete their anecdote while simultaneously, if you are very very lucky, relieving their bladder.

Something Wiki This Way Comes

2010-02-04T19:01:00.006+11:00

Welcome to the Plankton wiki. Here you will find all manner of useful and organically growing information which will help you, the average Plankton employee, in your constant uphill struggle against ignorance.

A common misconception people have is that all wikis are like that most famous of wikis: wikipedia. This is not necessarily the case as every wiki is entirely configurable by the company that runs it, and will evolve depending on how it’s used [citation needed].

What makes a wiki different from any other centralised source of knowledge is constant contributions by individuals - by you. It helps to think of a wiki as a kind of chain, with each staff member providing a metal link of information, and each link forming together to create an informational whole of unimaginable strength. It’s a useful analogy and I’m almost positive that thing they say about chain strength and weakest links doesn’t apply.

Many people are concerned that if too many people work on the same page its original intent, or even its grammatical correctness, can be lost. However, recent studies have shown that even though a single sentence of a wiki page may be collaborated on by a large number of people, there is never a problem with the tense or structure, even though a single sentence of a wiki page may be collaborated on by a large number of people, according to recent studies.

Collaboration is one of Plankton's keywords, and wikis are the epitome of collaboration. Like bees and the Borg, wikis are the product of a hive mind. The sooner you assimilate Plankton’s wiki into your everyday life the sooner you will realise: we are Plankton: resistance is futile.

Wiki last updated: April 31, 1947 by Anonymous User

Grievances

2010-01-27T10:30:00.003+11:00

I have said this before but it’s important for the people that employ me to understand: Plankton is a great place to work. Having said that, there are elements of the Plankton office, as with any office (or indeed any other environment where people who would otherwise hate each other are artificially thrown together), that can cause problems. When one staff member has an issue with the behaviour of another, for example, tensions can rise. There are however a number of ways to approach the problem before more official channels can be pursued.

Firstly it is important to know that under no circumstances should you approach the person who is at issue. This kind of direct communication is foreign to most modern offices, and will only cause more tension and potential bodily harm.

By far the most effective and often the most favoured method of conflict resolution is the anonymous note. Whether left on a whiteboard in the hallway or on the remaining chunk of extra vintage tasty in the staff fridge, the anonymous note sends a message not only to the person in question, but to any other passer-by (depending on the size of the note). This has the effect of spreading guilt evenly over the whole company, so that even the most honest person would never again consider nabbing your mouldy work cheese.

However if all else fails, most staff at Plankton know that they can always approach the one person in the company who will listen and do something constructive towards solving any problem they may have. All they need to say is “I’ve got an idea for one of your Office Tips”.

Chillax

2009-10-20T11:00:00.004+11:00

Plankton is going through a very busy time, and everyone is currently working very hard. However it is vital that we learn to relax to ensure we maintain the work/life/sitting-around-doing-nothing balance that society tells us is so important.

Unfortunately, people feel that they shouldn’t be seen to be relaxing at work. We are all employed to work a certain number of hours a week and even though we may meet that weekly requirement it can make us feel a little bit naughty if we are caught napping on the couches or Googling ourselves .

Rest assured, though. Plankton understands that to get the best out of its employees, we all need the opportunity to work, rest and play. (Note that the dollarshop sells Mars bars for this very purpose.)

So as employees we need to not only relax, but to revel in our relaxation. It is rare that during a lunch break we see someone reading a book, playing ‘Grand Theft Auto: Norlane’, or practising the sousaphone, but these are exactly the kinds of activities that will revive your body and sharpen your mind, and therefore make you a more productive drone.

If your work commitments truly do make this kind of overt relaxation impossible, then you can relax by making a game out of your work. If you’re writing a requirements or design document, set yourself a fun challenging phrase to try to insert into the document (e.g. “this software will contain no bugs or design flaws”). If you are writing code, try avoiding any keywords that contain the letter ‘e’ and see if it compiles. If you talk to people on the phone, pretend to be different people by using exotic accents.

In short find something to do that will help you relax. Dying of stress will not help Plankton meet its deadlines, and so will not look good on your next performance review.

Side-skilling

2009-10-07T08:31:00.001+11:00

It is the nature of all businesses that there will at some stage be a skills shortage. This could mean that you will be called upon to perform tasks that aren’t normally part of your general duties. You will be tempted to use this as an opportunity to show off. Don’t. If you excel in this extra task, or even if you perform it remotely adequately, it will be added to your general duties, and you will remain doing it long after the skills shortage lengthens.

For this reason it is important to make the job seem harder than it really is, and make sure you let everyone know how difficult it is. This way, regardless of whether you succeed or fail, people will not only be impressed that you even undertook the task, but will also know not to ask the whiny guy to do it again.

When executing the task try to keep your name off any documentation that may arise. If any evidence exists that you have performed the task once you will always be referred to as an expert in that field. It is an extreme, but in some cases acceptable, measure to chase down anyone that can provide anecdotal corroboration to your involvement and cajole or even threaten them accordingly. Bribery is expensive but can be used as a last resort.

In all cases the best option is to avoid the task altogether. This can best be achieved by acting so busy on your current tasks that even the act of approaching your desk seems such an imposition on your time that it is not worth the hassle. Under the current climate this should not pose a problem.

So you are new to Plankton

2009-07-24T09:46:00.009+10:00

For a start let me be the first, and possibly the only, person to welcome you to this wonderful company.

In your first few weeks here you will learn a great deal about Plankton's products, business model and its future direction. Plankton believes an informed staff is a happy one, and it relies on the standard corporate communication methods of hearsay, rumour and assumption. As part of your induction training you will be shown an Organisation Chart detailing the various Managers, General Managers and Senior staff that you will report to. Note that this chart is drawn in pencil. Do not commit it to memory, as it is likely to change soon.

Regardless of your role, there are certain responsibilities that will be expected of you as a Plankton employee. These include, but are not limited to, accidentally using the “Reply to All” button on a company wide email, deleting entire tables from our development database and complaining to the DollarShop that we have run out of coke.

Do not be afraid to speak up in meetings. Every idea has value, and your co-workers will not ridicule you for your opinions as they will be too busy offering their own to listen to yours.

One word of warning, though. Many people have been at Plankton so long that they have forgotten what the real world is like. When speaking to someone who has worked here for 10 years or more, try not to mention other companies, or technology that is newer than 8 years old. This can excite and disorient some of the older employees to the point where they need to sit in a room with a dial phone and an abacus until they calm down.

So again let me say welcome to Plankton. We like to think we are one big family. We never clean our rooms, we spend too long in the bathrooms in the morning, and we argue over which TV show we want to watch. No one has got to the point of stealing someone’s boyfriend, but it won’t be long.

So you are leaving Plankton

2009-07-24T09:46:00.008+10:00

It’s a sad day. Presumably. For someone. It’s your last day.

You may be given the opportunity to give a goodbye speech to the staff. Many see this as an opportunity to get things off one’s chest. If you feel you must do this, avoid blanket negative statements about the entire company. Remember some of us still have to work here. Instead, address individuals and provide positive feedback specifically for them such as:

Terry. I don’t care what Ryan says, I think your anecdotes aren’t at all tedious, and your personal hygiene is at least bearable.
Amanda. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.
Ryan, I agree with you about Terry. If you want to get away from “Boring-Story-Stinky-Pants”, there may be a position open at my new company. I’ll send you an email when the dust settles.
Hannah. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.

Don’t forget to mention at least two of the following:

This is easily the best place I have ever worked, and I’m not just saying that.
It’s the people that make this company special, and I’m not just saying that.
I think we have one of strongest products on the market, and I’m not just saying that.

Instead of a speech, you may send an email. If you do, be aware that most people who receive such an email simply use a word search to see if they are mentioned, and then delete the email if they are not. To make sure people actually read your email, copy they entire staff contact list in to the bottom of it.

When you leave you may be given a gift. Accept it with all due grace however remember that 78% of Plankton employees come back within 3 years, and you will be asked to return that gift “as new” if you do.

We will miss you. Until you come back.

Make a clean break.

2009-06-03T12:32:00.003+10:00

They say that a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind. However, they also say that an empty desk is an indication of an empty mind. All we can really take from this is that “they” clearly cannot be trusted.

While you might expect that desk cleanliness is a matter of personal comfort and each employee should work in the conditions they prefer, studies have actually found that the messier someone’s desk is, the more efficient their work.

The fastest way to strip a document of all relevance, accessibility and usefulness is to file it. Documents put into a filing cabinet or neatly archived in folders will never be seen again. While this is fantastic for process and methodology documents, for documents that are actually needed it can be a curse.

In contrast, files simply left on a desk will follow the laws of Darwinian theory and survive or not depending on their importance. Oft-used files will gravitate towards the top of volcano-like piles, while less useful ones will drift to the bottom, eventually to be stuck to the desk with a combination of spilt coffee and smears of blu-tac.

There are times when Plankton is visited by important members of society: clients, film crews and Nigerian royalty who are down on their luck. At these times management will ask us to ensure that our desks do not reflect poorly on Plankton's image. Many take this as a request to clean up their desks, but it is in fact a request to make sure your desk is as messy as possible. After all, by proudly displaying the mess you are demonstrating the productivity that helps Plankton thrive.

Towelettiquette

2009-06-01T09:09:00.003+10:00

You only need look around the office to know that the paper towel is a valuable Plankton commodity. Most, if not all, employees have a roll of company supplied paper towel on their desk. Why? Because it’s convenient, absorbent and, most importantly, it’s free.

Some use it to keep their desk clean, some as a way around Plankton’s “we don’t give tissues to the peons” policy, and you’ll notice that the long term employees have drawn faces on their paper towel rolls and call them Wilson.

However, recent health concerns in the workplace have provided another reason to always be near this precious, and now potentially lifesaving, apparatus.

Paper towel, along with a few other readily available office supplies, can be used to create your very own face mask, to help keep diseases at bay. Using only a piece of paper towel, 2 small bulldog clips and a couple of rubber bands, you can protect yourself from at least 84% of airborne germs and 100% of lunchtime companions.

Also, after wearing this makeshift mask, people will know that you take public health seriously, that you have concern for your safety and the safety of your workmates and, most importantly, that they shouldn’t steal your filth-ridden paper towel roll.

A Proved Overtime

2009-05-05T08:54:00.002+10:00

Working on a project that requires overtime offers unique evidentiary challenges to us all. Proving that you are at work and not simply at home swanning about in your underwear is a vital office survival skill. It’s not that management don’t trust you, of course - it’s the others they have to worry about.

Way back in the late nineties, proving you were at work was as simple as sending a perfectly innocent late night email to your boss (or even better to all the staff). However, in these days of web-based email and telecommuting this will not prove that you are actually doing anything beyond spending a couple of thousand rupiah at a Balinese internet cafe. More creative measures must be employed.

Web cameras are cheap (and ultimately tax deductible) and can provide video evidence of your presence. Be sure to find a good excuse for filming yourself with a copy of the weekend paper or showing how dark it is outside.

For a more subtle (and perhaps cathartic) approach, ‘accidentally’ damaging work equipment will prove that someone was on the premises, and if you are stupid enough to take the blame no one will doubt you for a second.

If all else fails you can trigger the weekend alarm. This will ensure that not only has someone seen you in the office, they will have also scrutinised your photo ID, witnessed your signature and taken a statement.

Meetingized

2009-04-29T09:03:00.010+10:00

Since their invention by Thomas Edison in the late 1920s, meetings have been a vital part of the decision making process. Studies have shown that any idea is almost completely ineffectual until it has been workshopped, reviewed, kicked-around, scrummed or in some other way “meetingized”. (Grammatical pedants may believe that this word should be spelt with an s, but this is an American idea and as such deserves the extra excitement that a z can bring).

It is vitally important that you give every meeting the respect that it requires of you. Remember that you do not choose to attend a meeting, a meeting invites you.

The most effective meetings are those where everyone participates. While your meeting effectiveness will be scored (and yes, it will be scored) on your participation; it is the level, and not the quality, of your input that will be judged. What you say doesn’t matter, as long as you say it loudly and with confidence. You will get extra credit if your point is made over the top of someone else’s (this is called meezumping).

Likewise any props you bring or use will be looked upon favourably. Powerpoint presentations, whiteboards and laser pointers are passé, but can be used in a pinch. Preferable modern meeting tools include disposable cutlery, witch's hats and small breeds of dog.

In no time your calendar will be full of meetings and your productivity and creativity will increase exponentially until you will begin to schedule meetings during lunch time and at 4:45. At this point you will become the meeting master, and all whom you invite will look at you with awe and respect beyond measure.

2009-04-22T09:52:00.021+10:00

It is important to note that, when sending emails or writing documents, some audiences only read the subject line or heading, and will not read the actual text. For this reason it is important to put as much useful information in the subject line or heading as possible, to ensure your message is received by as many people as possible.

Holding the Door

2009-04-08T15:16:00.003+10:00

Politeness comes in many forms, but one way in which it manifests itself regularly in the workplace is holding the door open for someone. Studies have shown that if we leave it to individuals to open doors for themselves, society will quickly decline into chaos and anarchy. This is why more advanced societies, such as those found in hotel lobbies and Gold Class cinemas, employ people whose sole occupation is to open doors. We should study these societies more, as they will lead us all to enlightenment.

It is important, then, to maintain the delicate balance of our society by ensuring that you open as many doors as are opened for you. This can be easy when there are two doors within quick succession, but otherwise it is highly recommended that you keep score. Keep a note of how many times the door has been opened for you, and how many times you have opened the door for others.

Also keep a note of the people who never seem to hold the door open for anyone. These are the types of people who are likely to use your coffee mug when you are not in the office, or borrow your scissors to cut their nails.

People who big-note themselves by always holding the door open, and who make a point of ensuring that everyone can see they are doing that, should also be noted. These are the types of people who are likely to use your coffee mug when you are in the office, or borrow your office scissors to cut their pets' nails.

Productive Conversation

2009-03-11T09:15:00.017+11:00

Conversations are an important part of office life. Not only are they a form of communicating ideas, they foster the social bonds that are necessary to preventing us from killing each other over the last of the pre-packaged sugar portions.

Some people, however, are very busy and feel that they do not have time for the social side of conversation. These people can be seen as aloof and self-important. If you are one of these snobby individuals, do not despair. Help is at hand.

All that most people require from a social conversation is the impression that they are being listened to. If someone is talking at you, nod appreciatively as if you are actually listening. While this is happening you may go through to-do lists in your mind, map a route to the nearest fire exit, or plan your pet's next birthday party.

When you notice a gap in the white noise of the other person's idle chit chat, use this as an opportunity to politely end the conversation or, if you are feeling adventurous ,continue it with a generic encouraging statement. Be careful though. Statements like 'Really?', 'Do go on' or 'That once happened to my uncle' although generic can backfire and show that you haven't been listening:

"I got my paycheck this week..."
"Really?"
"So then the surgeon said that he would have to go in from the other end. I can show you pictures if you like."
"Do go on"
"After my cat's birthday party, she's going to have a hysterectomy"
"That once happened to my uncle"

Driven to Distraction

2009-02-16T14:21:00.005+11:00

It's a trait of human nature that people are more likely to concentrate on a distraction than they are at the job at hand. This can be used to good effect in your day to day work at Plankton.

Talk to the people that are in charge of your role (once you have worked out who they are), and say you would like to change what is on your position description. Tell them that, instead of your current duties, you would like to change your job to be "Looking at cool stuff on the internet, talking about last night's TV and getting myself drinks of water".

That way, when you go to, for example, look at cool stuff on the internet you'll immediately get distracted by the piece of code that somehow found its way onto your computer, or that Design Document that you started in your spare time.

Just make sure you quickly get it done before the boss finds out.

Get out of the kitchen

2009-01-29T10:29:00.008+11:00

Computers and their users are both known for buckling under the pressure of heat. This is ironic as both are also excellent sources of hot air. Here are some ideas for dealing with the scorching heat.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Make sure that everyone around you understands how hot you are. This will endear you to them (as you will both be "on the same team") as well as provide an excellent and original conversation starter. I like the simplicity of "Hell's teeth it's hot, isn't it?" but others prefer the more jovial "Hot enough for you?". Feel free to make up your own.
Wear less clothes. Let's face it: people who work with computers are inherently good looking people. We should not be afraid to flaunt it, and the hot weather is the perfect excuse. Dust off those shorts, undo that top button, pull out those sandals and be proud of those knee caps. But make sure you still wear socks. No one wants to see your toes.
Inform Management. Did you know that once someone attains the title of "Manager" (or even "Finance & Facilities Officer") they no longer have human senses, and such mundane feelings as "heat" do not register with them? Also, management have complete control over the weather. For these two reasons it is vital that they are informed regularly of the conditions.
Book a meeting room. Meeting rooms are the perfect place to hide from not only the heat, but also from the annoying people who wear too little clothing and who constantly bug you about how hot it is.

Christmas Break

2009-01-09T15:11:00.003+11:00

If you have decided to take an extra couple of weeks off over the Christmas break, try not to think about or do anything at all work related. This includes writing a humour article for the company newsletter.

Christmas Party Aftermath

2008-12-15T07:54:00.001+11:00

If you look closely at section 7.1.4.5.6.a.iii of your Workplace agreement, you will see that you are duty bound to embarrass yourself at one or more office Christmas parties during your employment. Making a fool of yourself is not hard, and you do not need anyone's tips on how to do that. However, turning up to work the following Monday can be difficult. Here is some advice to help you get through that harrowing work day.

Walk into the office; ostensibly proud of who you are (even if you are not). You are, after all, no different to who you were last week. Then (and this is the cunning part) pull each individual in the company aside, and apologise personally for spilling that drink on them, trying to remove their trousers or swearing loudly in front of their children . If you don't remember what you did, use generic apologies such as "Sorry about what I did there", "I hope you're not upset with me" or "I move that today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land...".

This way everyone in the office will shift from harbouring a mild disdain for you to feeling a modicum of respect for admitting your faults privately while maintaining your dignity publicly. With any luck you will get an extra present at Kris Kringle time.

Sick Leave

2008-11-24T11:15:00.001+11:00

Being sick is a pain, but it’s often best to just push through and keep going to work. That way when everyone else around you falls sick as well you won’t feel so bad. Misery does love company after all.

But if you do decide to stay home, there is nothing worse than being sick, and not having a “sick voice” when you phone in. People won’t believe you if you don’t sound sick, and they will really think you are lying if you use a fake sick voice. If you really are ill, and don’t want to be thought of as a malingerer then rather than phoning in with a chirpy voice, simply send an email instead. Try adding a sad “smiley” for sympathy and effect:

I won’t be in today, I am not feeling well :-(

Hearts, and possibly flowers, will go out to you.

Carbon Neutral

2008-11-19T10:57:00.006+11:00

In this time of great environmental upheaval we are all doing our best to become Carbon Neutral. (I myself am also trying to become tax-neutral, and am hoping that my many past years on various forms of Social Security combined with a big pension will help me achieve that.) But to truly become Carbon Neutral not only must we offset the power that we do use, but we should actually try to use less power.

It’s all very well for the people who work close to the office to ride or walk in to work, but the small environmental benefit of that is more than offset by the detrimental effect of smug people walking around the office in lycra.

So, how can you help? Most employees have a wide array of portable electronic devices which consume a great deal of power. Mobile Phones, MP3 players, PDAs, Hello Kitty shoulder massagers etc.

When you charge these devices at home they consume a great deal of power which would not otherwise be consumed. Why not take them in to work and charge them there? After all, they always leave the power on at work so it is really only using the power that is already being generated.

Remember if ITS didn't want us charging 17 different USB devices simultaneously they wouldn't have given us 17 available USB ports.

Aromatic Dining

2008-11-10T11:57:00.001+11:00

After you finish eating a particularly aromatic food, you do not want your bin to waft constant reminders of your wonderful meal for the rest of the day.

To combat this, make sure you dispose of any particularly pungent refuse in the bin under someone else's desk. This will keep your work area nice and fresh and at the same time open someone's mind to olfactory experiences they might otherwise shun.

Water Wise

2008-10-30T11:20:00.003+11:00

A Water wise tip. If you drink coffee or tea regularly then there’s really no need to wash your cup every single time you have a drink. Statistics have shown that even a quick rinse can waste a whole cup of water over a day. Over 240 working days in a year, this adds up to 60 litres. That’s a whole petrol tank!

But think about it, do you really need to rinse at all? You’re drinking the same drink, all the time. No one else is using your cup. Just refill it! After all, when you’re at McDonalds and you get a refill you don’t spend hours meticulously cleaning it, do you? No, you just pick up the pot and pour! Well the same principal applies. And think how much water you waste putting your cup in dishwasher each night. After all you know that no one has touched your cup overnight, so just use it the next day. And that “weird” taste is simply the taste of the environment thanking you.

Cubicle Walls

2008-10-30T11:13:00.003+11:00

Contrary to popular belief, partition walls are not there to separate employees. They are installed to add dimensions to the already complex arena of inter-office communications. Don’t be afraid to “break the 4th wall”, pop your head up and communicate with your cube mates.

With this in mind, if your neighbour is having a particularly loud conversation, either on the phone, or with a cubicle visitor, it should be treated as a subtle invitation for you to show an interest and ultimately join in. Don’t let ignorance of the subject matter, or the fact that you have missed half the conversation, deter you. People are usually more than happy to fill in the gaps of any private conversation to someone who has joined late.

If your neighbour is, on the other hand, not particularly loud, then it is still an invitation, just a more subtle one.

Gibberish

2008-10-30T11:11:00.006+11:00

Did you know that when people say “how are you” in the morning, not only do they not care about the answer; they often don’t even listen for a response. You can test this by replying in gibberish, and see how, or if, they respond. This is particularly effective in a corridor exchange where there is limited face-to-face time.

“Hey how’s it going?”
“Blannemble.”

If you become skilled at this, you can take it to the next level:

“Hey how’s it going?”
“Blannemble. Merr findun bem?”
“Yeah, pretty good thanks.”

Excitement

2008-10-30T11:09:00.006+11:00

Plankton is a great place to work but let’s face it: software development is never going to give you the adrenaline rush that is felt by an ambulance driver, fighter pilot or nude weatherman. Here are a few tips to make your office day exciting:

Corridor Chicken –See how someone reacts if you walk directly towards them in the corridor. If they get out of the way, you win! Let them know this.
Radio silence – See if you can go a whole day without opening your email. Not even once, not even to check to see if you have a meeting.
Whiteboard Reservation – Go into a meeting room and write random things on the whiteboard, then, in the top right hand corner, write “Please Leave”. See how long it remains there.
Mythbusters – Send staff wide emails about “interesting facts” that you know are actually urban legends. See how many people respond. Bonus points if they refer to www.snopes.com

Small Talk

2008-10-27T13:17:00.017+11:00

Morning coffee is great, however it can be awkward when you try to make small talk with people you see everyday. Even the standard fall backs of sport, television and the news wear thin after 5 consecutive days. Here are some conversation starters that may help:

“So, tell me exactly what you have done in the four or five waking hours since I last saw you.”
“You know, a friend of my brother’s boss once had a girlfriend whose dad knew someone who worked in a milk factory, and if you’d met that guy you’d think twice about drinking that stuff every day.”
“I don’t want this to sound too forward, but you have really beautiful eyes.”

Feel free to ask

2008-10-13T13:14:00.003+11:00

If you have any questions about anything, feel free to ask the person who sits next to you. With the layout of the office, people are almost always sitting next to at least one person, and this company is proud of hiring people who are willing to help. If you are in a seat where you don’t sit next to someone, it’s most likely because you have been deemed to be anti-social, and you should probably just look stuff up on the internet (in your own time).

Manage Expectations

2008-09-29T13:13:00.003+10:00

People constantly assess you by comparing who you are today to their general expectation of you. If, for example, you are a generally happy person, then when you are having a bad day people will notice. If, on the other hand, you are surly most of the time, then people won’t see any difference if you have an off day.

You can use this phenomenon to your advantage by slowly but regularly lowering people’s expectations and then, suddenly and irregularly, raising them. If you are never clean shaven, for example, then eventually people will come to expect that of you. On the rare occasions that you do shave, you will receive comments like “Hello handsome”, “Who’s the new guy?” and “Seriously, show me some ID or leave immediately”. Don’t do it too often, though, as you will begin to create new expectations.

Coffee Machine Milk

2008-09-15T13:11:00.002+10:00

Don’t you hate it when you go to get yourself a coffee and the coffee machine tells you that the milk container is empty? It’s such a hassle to put new milk in the container. Well, perhaps this is the perfect time to change your milk preference! If the full cream container is in the coffee machine then trade it over to low-fat (haven’t you always wanted to lose some weight?). If there’s low-fat in there, then switch it over to full cream (after all, you want milk in your coffee, not water, right?). That way, it’s a simple switch of the containers, and some other poor sap will have to refill it when then want a coffee.

Curtain

2008-09-01T13:10:00.002+10:00

Remember that the curtain in the café area should only be closed under the following circumstances:

When there is a function in the café area
When there is a board meeting in the Lorne Room
When pretending you are Kermit the Frog in the Muppet Show.

Hungry and Cold?

2008-08-21T13:13:00.005+10:00

If it’s cold and windy outside, then don’t go all the way to the supermarket - or even the corner store - to get yourself a snack. There is a veritable cornucopia of food to be had right here in the Plankton fridges. If you rummage around the back especially, you will find yoghurts and other less definable foodstuffs that I can guarantee no-one will miss. After all a “Best Before” date is really only a guide.

Going Away cards

2008-07-08T12:04:00.002+10:00

When signing a going away card, please keep in mind that the person who is receiving this card will most likely pull it out to read in many years to come. So be obscure! Make references to things that never happened. Refer to people that don’t exist. Write random words in such a way that they look like they might mean something, if only that person could remember the context.

Coffee Cup Dilemma

2008-07-08T07:54:00.002+10:00

If, at the end of the day, you would like to put your personalised mug in the dishwasher but the dishwasher is full, then try this handy tip. Rather than leave it on the bench above the dishwasher (where everyone can read your name) take an anonymous glass from the dishwasher and put that on the bench. Then, put your mug where the glass was! With no name on it, no one will know who left the glass there!