Sunday, December 16, 2012

We Wish You A Merry (insert where appropriate)

December is the time of year when companies stress about whether they are allowed to participate in traditional festive activities. Increasingly it has become more difficult for companies to celebrate religious or cultural festivals for fear of either excluding someone whose culture has been missed or, even worse, including someone who does not wish to be happy or witness the happiness of others.

For this reason the Plankton office has now been equipped with a culturally neutral “festive” room. In this room staff members of different backgrounds and denominations may celebrate their religious (or otherwise) holidays throughout the year when their “festive cycle” occurs. The room is soundproofed to ensure any singing or merriment does not leak into the rest of the building. There are also drawers of Lego™ and an extensive catalogue of instruction booklets which can be used to build a menorah, Christmas tree, statue of Vishnu or any other piece of religious or cultural apparatus that you may require. Please disassemble these before leaving so as not to accidentally indoctrinate future merry-makers.

If you are in your festive cycle please refrain from sharing any kind of “joy” or “spirit” with your fellow workers outside of this room, as this may cause offence to those not in their festive cycle. If you are not in your festive cycle (or do not have one) then please do not participate in the traditions of other cultures. Appropriating the celebrations of a different culture, even through the use of a greeting, is seen as particularly disrespectful. If you want to wish someone “Merry Christmas” please ensure that you can prove you are a Christian.

The following greetings will be acceptable all year round:

  • Hello
  • Enjoy this time of year if it appropriate for you to do so.
  • Happy Plankton

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Kraken Out

The Plankton board would like to follow up on the announcement made here about a potential takeover by the multinational Kraken Group.

The Kraken executive team released a statement soon after their visit to our offices that they are no longer interested in purchasing Plankton Software Systems. They did not say why, but Plankton management would like to assure everyone that the decision had nothing to do with the fact that their visit coincided with Plankton’s fundraiser month Unprofessionalcember and want everyone to continue with their charitable swearing, scruffy dressing and unhygienic attitude towards dirty dishes.

Many have asked “where to for Plankton now?” This is a great question, and it seems clear that we as a company must take this opportunity to take a look at our operations and ensure that future takeover bids do not occur. In particular we need to review our standards related to customer service and product quality. These standards must be lowered immediately to ensure Plankton is no longer an attractive company to buy. Our success up to this point is what caught Kraken’s eye, and this success must be stopped. As such, the board would like to announce a new company-wide performance benchmark: if Plankton posts a loss of 1 million dollars by first quarter next year, everyone will receive a 5% bonus. This bonus will be increased by 1% for every customer we lose in that same time.

And you can help bring those profits down. If you have a deadline, ignore it. Encourage more managers to take an interest in your project. And most importantly, book more meetings. We need to be as unproductive as possible. With your help, we are sure that Plankton can become the best software company that money wouldn’t want to buy.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Weekend Warrior

If you have been asked to work on the weekend it is because there is a task that has just come up suddenly which needs to be done quickly and you are the only expert in your field capable of doing it. Work on the weekend is never work that could have been done any time in the past three months by any button pushing monkey if only the project you were working on was managed better and the company knew the first thing about what you actually do. Never that.

The normal office rules don’t apply to weekend work. This means that you can wear whatever you like, use as much internet as you like and adorn your cubicle with MORE than 4 personal items (although these must be removed before 7am Monday). You can also come in at whatever time you like, listen to music through your speakers and drink openly at your desk (rather than hiding a 4 pack of wine cooler in the climate controlled server room).

Working on the weekend does comes with responsibilities, though. Not only do you have to prove that you were in at all (see this previous tip for advice) but you owe it to your workmates to show how important you are. So in the following week constantly refer to the work you did on the weekend. Get included in the Monday morning sports wrap-up and say “yeah, I couldn’t catch the game, they needed me to come in on Saturday”. Your workmates will feel honoured to share a break room with you.

Most importantly, let your boss know you are always available as you had a fantastic time. This will guarantee you are never asked to work on the weekend again.