Friday, July 24, 2009

So you are leaving Plankton

It’s a sad day. Presumably. For someone. It’s your last day.

You may be given the opportunity to give a goodbye speech to the staff. Many see this as an opportunity to get things off one’s chest. If you feel you must do this, avoid blanket negative statements about the entire company. Remember some of us still have to work here. Instead, address individuals and provide positive feedback specifically for them such as:

  • Terry. I don’t care what Ryan says, I think your anecdotes aren’t at all tedious, and your personal hygiene is at least bearable.
  • Amanda. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.
  • Ryan, I agree with you about Terry. If you want to get away from “Boring-Story-Stinky-Pants”, there may be a position open at my new company. I’ll send you an email when the dust settles.
  • Hannah. When I fantasise about having an office affair, you are usually the one I think about.

Don’t forget to mention at least two of the following:

  • This is easily the best place I have ever worked, and I’m not just saying that.
  • It’s the people that make this company special, and I’m not just saying that.
  • I think we have one of strongest products on the market, and I’m not just saying that.

Instead of a speech, you may send an email. If you do, be aware that most people who receive such an email simply use a word search to see if they are mentioned, and then delete the email if they are not. To make sure people actually read your email, copy they entire staff contact list in to the bottom of it.

When you leave you may be given a gift. Accept it with all due grace however remember that 78% of Plankton employees come back within 3 years, and you will be asked to return that gift “as new” if you do.

We will miss you. Until you come back.

3 comments:

  1. There is also a tipping point when leaving. If you have been with the company for an extended period, you will never, and I mean NEVER recoup the amount of money invested in going away presents. The four to five year mark is pretty much it. After that you realise that the pen set or briefcase you will get just isn't work the $5 to $10 bucks you give for all those leaving. Eventually you start avoiding cash collections or become a devious bastard - like dropping in a $10 note and diving in to get change....of about $10.

    The guy who's been there for 20 years is always the most bitter.

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  2. Oh, and everyone would do Amanda. We could have an affair with Hannah, but we'd always be thinking about Amanda.

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