Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Make a clean break.

They say that a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind. However, they also say that an empty desk is an indication of an empty mind. All we can really take from this is that “they” clearly cannot be trusted.

While you might expect that desk cleanliness is a matter of personal comfort and each employee should work in the conditions they prefer, studies have actually found that the messier someone’s desk is, the more efficient their work.

The fastest way to strip a document of all relevance, accessibility and usefulness is to file it. Documents put into a filing cabinet or neatly archived in folders will never be seen again. While this is fantastic for process and methodology documents, for documents that are actually needed it can be a curse.

In contrast, files simply left on a desk will follow the laws of Darwinian theory and survive or not depending on their importance. Oft-used files will gravitate towards the top of volcano-like piles, while less useful ones will drift to the bottom, eventually to be stuck to the desk with a combination of spilt coffee and smears of blu-tac.

There are times when Plankton is visited by important members of society: clients, film crews and Nigerian royalty who are down on their luck. At these times management will ask us to ensure that our desks do not reflect poorly on Plankton's image. Many take this as a request to clean up their desks, but it is in fact a request to make sure your desk is as messy as possible. After all, by proudly displaying the mess you are demonstrating the productivity that helps Plankton thrive.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Towelettiquette

You only need look around the office to know that the paper towel is a valuable Plankton commodity. Most, if not all, employees have a roll of company supplied paper towel on their desk. Why? Because it’s convenient, absorbent and, most importantly, it’s free.

Some use it to keep their desk clean, some as a way around Plankton’s “we don’t give tissues to the peons” policy, and you’ll notice that the long term employees have drawn faces on their paper towel rolls and call them Wilson.

However, recent health concerns in the workplace have provided another reason to always be near this precious, and now potentially lifesaving, apparatus.

Paper towel, along with a few other readily available office supplies, can be used to create your very own face mask, to help keep diseases at bay. Using only a piece of paper towel, 2 small bulldog clips and a couple of rubber bands, you can protect yourself from at least 84% of airborne germs and 100% of lunchtime companions.

Also, after wearing this makeshift mask, people will know that you take public health seriously, that you have concern for your safety and the safety of your workmates and, most importantly, that they shouldn’t steal your filth-ridden paper towel roll.